I need to stop coming to work sober
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
