please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
