in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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