I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
