I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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