I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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