splinters make it hard to masturbate
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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