I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
