this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
