I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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