Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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