thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
