So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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