dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
