i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
