my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
