All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
