My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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