o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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