am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
