You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
