hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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