I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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