Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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