Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
