On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
