I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
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first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
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He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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