from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
