She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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