i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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