My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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