I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
