I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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