seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
