the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
