my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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