life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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