1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
