my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Randomize
