Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
