I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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