So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
