Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
