Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
