Can i not drive my cunt home
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
