i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
