I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Every concussion has its silver lining
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
