my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
