it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
