covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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