i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i wish my penis had a tongue
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
