Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
