Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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