I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
