You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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