I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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