i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
