I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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